Friends vs. Acquaintances

And the importance of telling if someone is one or the other to you

Dear Thomas and Zoë,

I’m writing to you today to talk about the difference between friends and acquaintances. I’ll define these terms and highlight the similarities and differences in a bit but first I want to explain why understanding these distinctions is so important.

It can be very easy to mistake an acquaintance for a friend because on the surface your interactions with each type can be very similar, especially as you are early in the process of getting to know someone. With either a friend or an acquaintance you can find their company very enjoyable, you can have interesting conversations and enjoyable shared experiences. Acquaintances can even give the impression that they are very interested in your well being, happiness, success in life and this can cause you to place a certain amount of trust in that person. But make no mistake about it - acquaintances are not friends and you should be very wary about relying on them for anything other than trivial things like filling time in your social calendar. It will not always be the case that an acquaintance will fail to live up to your expectations for any need of yours that requires all but the most insubstantial sacrifice or investment on their part. But it is wise to assume this will be the case significantly more often than not so it is best to avoid putting yourself in a position where you have come to expect, or worse depend, on an acquaintance in this way.

In general I have very few friends and many acquaintances. I’m a pretty private person and find that it takes a lot to actually trust other people enough to discuss anything substantive or otherwise create an emotional connection that would expose me to any kind of vulnerability. But I recently had some experiences where I had started to think of people in my social circle as friends only to be sharply reminded that they are in fact just acquaintances when their actions clarified where I fit into their priorities. It was a good reminder to not mistake acquaintances for friends and I wanted to share some suggestions for you on how to tell the difference between them so you can do the proper sorting and not put yourself in a position where you are reliant on the wrong kind of person.

What is a friend? A friend is somebody with whom you have a mutual shared connection and emotional bond. You care about each other and have a genuine interest in each other’s lives. You can rely on a friend for support and they will be there for you in good times and bad.

If a friend is in a difficult situation where their personal interest is in conflict with a shared interest or an interest of yours, they will not immediately default to doing what is best for them. They might end up pursing their interest anyway but hopefully only after looking for every alternative and/or discussing the situation with you so they can consider your point of view and explain their situation and thinking. That is to say a friendship does not create an obligation to always sacrifice personal interests but it does place a greater burden on a friend to consider the ramifications of personal interests on their friend and the friendship.

What is an acquaintance? An acquaintance is somebody that you know and interact with but with whom you have no real emotional connection. You may know a lot about each other’s lives but you are not invested in each other’s long term well-being to a point where you would sacrifice personal interests for their benefit, although you likely share some common interests or circumstances.

Unlike friends, when an acquaintance is in a situation where their personal interest is in conflict with a shared interest or an interest of yours, you should always be prepared for them to default to doing what is best for them with little to no thought about how this may affect you. This is not to say that some acquaintances might not be willing to make some small sacrifice or investment on your behalf - but if it is anything more than trivial they cannot reliably be expected to come through for you.

How can you tell the difference between a friend and an acquaintance? In short, it is not easy and requires an evaluation of pattens of behavior over time. In practice this means most (if not all) of your friends will and should probably start as acquaintances and only evolve to the friend category when they have demonstrated the attributes of friendship described above. It is worth doing your best to avoid putting yourself in situations where you have no choice but to rely on an acquaintance for something very important to you. Trust is earned through repeated interactions so if possible give an acquaintance a few different opportunities to demonstrate dependability with things of increasing importance to you. Another way to gather information about a potential friend is watching their interactions with other people. Are they generally flaky and unreliable with other people they say are their friends? If so there’s a pretty good chance they will be that way with you also.

I’m not suggesting you be clinical in your approach and constantly evaluating every action of your acquaintances in some sort of continuous loyalty testing. Just don’t rush to move someone from the acquaintance category to the friend one until you have had enough time and interactions to build some confidence that’s where they belong. Learning to tell the difference between friends and acquaintances is an acquired skill and you will probably get it wrong sometimes. If you come to later realize someone you thought of as a friend is really just an acquaintance, no big deal- just slot them back into the right bucket and adjust your interactions and reliance on them accordingly. I suggest defaulting to putting people in the acquaintance category and keeping them there unless you have had a lot of time and interactions to be confident they would make a good friend. Yes you might miss out on the opportunity to have a few more friends but this is almost certainly much better for you than the disappointment you will likely feel when someone you thought was a friend turns out to just be an acquaintance because they fail to live up to your expectations.

In closing - it’s worth spending time thinking through what you want and expect from a person you consider a friend. Are the people in your life who you consider friends today living up to those expectations? Are you reciprocating - are you living up to your own expectations in terms of how you are showing up for those people you consider friends? Friendships are some of the most important relationships you will have in life aside from your family, so it is worth taking the time to make sure you are fostering them. Having a clear sense of who your friends are and who your acquaintances are can be a useful way to ensure you are investing the appropriate amount of time and emotional energy on the people in each category.

Are you confused about people in your life and whether they are your friends or acquaintances? Let’s chat and we can try and figure it out together.